Who Would Jesus Bomb?

Who Would Jesus Bomb?
Fun Adventures in the Liberal News Media

by Mark Driver

At a time when our nation rattles blindly to wage stupid slaughter, violence orchestrated by a president—single-minded and choked blind with religious certainty, alcoholic delusions masquerading in his coke-riddled mind as the hand of God*—and the story is told to us by a media who stands to make as much money covering this piece of crap as the petrochemical companies and arms manufacturers who dictate our foreign policy, and Cheney Inc. is oiling its bulldozers, assuredly already contracted to rebuild Iraq. There are plenty of stuffed suits on the TV ready to justify war, but who does the media turn to when they want coherent arguments against blind aggression? Why preeminent Arabic historian Ed Begley, Jr. of course. Or Sean “PhD in Foreign Policy” Penn. Or Woody from Cheers. Why? Because Americans rightly have a distaste for some aging, pretty-boy richie-rich without a toe in the real world spouting on about politics that affect real working people. Unfortunately, Americans don’t have quite the same disdain for the “experts” and talk-show hosts who have made celebrities of themselves as apologists and cheerleaders for the unfortunate direction this great nation is being taken, and who are as equally wealthy and removed as any Hollywood star, maybe even more so. (Did you know that only one member of Congress has any family on active duty? Maybe that’s why they’re renaming French fries** in the cafeteria while Rome burns … and burns … and burns.)

The media hold annoying celebrities up and say: SEE, MIDDLE AMERICA? THIS IS THE ANTI-WAR MOVEMENT! ISN’T IT ANNOYING? Well, kudos on that one General Tommy Franks, err, General Electric, err, NBC. Let’s take this to its logical conclusion, shall we?

* The next person who tells me that I have to respect the office of the presidency deserves a rap on the head with the Declaration of Independence. You toothless worms! We fought to eliminate kings! Despite the spectacle that the office has managed to accumulate around itself, “the president” is just another schlep job, albeit one where you get to kill folks and help your buddies get rich. But this president poops, eats pretzels, and has nightmares just like you. And, like the bozo before him, this president used daddy’s juice to get out of fighting his generation’s war. He’s a chickenhawk, like most of his bloodthirsty administration. And he’s using a national tragedy to justify plans that were in the works long before 19 assholes ruined this country for years to come. I love America. This administration has nothing to do with the America I love. So love your country, but be careful what you worship. Blind faith is the beginning of the end of discussion.

** I would like to remind every tiny-minded citizen who has declared his dog to now be a Freedom Poodle while he entertains himself with a Freedom Tickler that a mere two years ago, there were thousands of people in the Parisian streets, not protesting us, but having vigils in remembrance of our terrible loss. I suppose I should stop being impressed by the depth of moronic mouth-breathers our culture creates and rewards, but when Clint Black shoots a kill-Iraq soundtrack out his buttcrack and nobody laughs, jump back, ball sack, cause your pick-up truck sucks. To paraphrase Mencken, “Nobody ever lost money underestimating the intelligence of the public.”

Hello, and welcome to Pointfire. I’m your host Dick Storm. The topic today is the War on Iraq and my first guest is Harvard professor Arthur Superwasp, former Foreign Policy Analyst for the CIA, Policy Advisor for Nixon, Johnson, Reagan, and George Bush, and author of seventeen books, including his latest, Big Happy Empire Under God: Bringing American Values to the World with Patriot Bombs and Liberty Bullets, published by John-Birch-was-a-Pinko Press.

You may know my second guest as Malcolm, from television’s Malcolm in the Middle, shown Sunday nights on FOX-TV, Hollywood celebrity Frankie Muniz.

Storm: Hello to both of you.

Superwasp: Good evening.

Frankie: Uh, hi.

Storm: First question to you, Professor Superwasp. Has Bush proven his case for a war with Iraq to the American people?

Superwasp: Oh certainly. Iraq poses a clear threat to the US and our allies, and over the past few months, the Bush administration has methodically proven Saddam’s pure evilness and his unwillingness to follow UN regulations. Saddam has previously kicked out weapons inspectors, and shown nothing but contempt at their attempts to discover his weapons of mass destruction, which he has used on his own people. It’s obvious that we must strike first, strike hard, and show no mercy.

Storm: Same question to you, Frankie.

Frankie: Um, I thought we were going to talk about my new move.

Superwasp: You see Dick, this is a clear example of the narcissism of the Left. We have a evil dictator, who has used weapons of mass destruction on his own people, who has shown aggression by invading his neighbors, who has thumbed his nose at the UN and weapons inspectors for the past twelve years, who funds terrorism in his own country and abroad, and the Left, perfectly epitomized by the limousine liberalism of Hollywood, shows how ineffective and palsied such liberal policies of appeasement are in the face of a madman.

Storm: Frankie, what do you say to that?

Frankie: Um, well, I haven’t really—

Storm: Let’s go to a caller. Gene in Salt Lake City.

Caller: I hate these celebrities who can’t seem to keep their mouths shut about things they don’t understand. I mean who are you gonna trust, our elected US American president George W. Bush, or the guy who plays him on TV?

Storm: Frankie, what do you have to say to that?

Frankie: You asked me to be here! You’ve been running the ads all week!

Superwasp: Dick can I just say something here? Nothing would make Saddam, who has used weapons of mass destruction on his own people, happier than having an entire nation of Americans like Frankie, so he can continue his Hitleresque Holocaust of execution and torture throughout the Middle East. He must be disarmed, and the people of Iraq must be liberated. Except for a few holdouts from Old Europe, the world is with us.

Storm: Frankie, can you make even one coherent point, or is the position of the Left so traitorous and morally bankrupt that the absolute veracity of what we have said today has rendered you speechless and ready to join the Marines?

Frankie: Well … I don’t think the whole world is with us. Even with some of the right-leaning governments in Spain and Italy, which are receiving massive payoffs in return for their support, the populations of these countries are massively against an Iraq war. I mean if you look at the numbers—

Storm: Whoa, easy there little guy. Don’t wet yourself. Larry in Denver, you’re on the air.

Caller: I want to know what this know-it-all liberal celebrity is going to protest when terrorists set nuclear bombs off on his precious Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Storm: Good point, caller. Frankie, how do you defend your desire to see America destroyed?

Frankie: Err, there’s no link between Saddam Hussein and the terrorists who attacked us. If anything, waging war in the Middle East will increase terrorism, and—hey? Why the hell am I saying all this? Why have you made this a Left and Right issue? There are plenty of conservatives that think war on Iraq is a stupid idea. Why aren’t we having intelligent discussions? Shouldn’t you have scholars speaking on both sides of the issue? How about some pro-war celebrity windbags against intelligent anti-war windbags? Schwarzenegger against Zinn? Stalone against Hightower? Dennis Miller against Gore Vidal (editors note: how fucking sweet would this be—Miller, ala Buckley, getting flustered and calling Vidal a man who’s seen more assholes than a Port-a-Potty at a chili cook-off)? Heston against Chomsky?

Superwasp: Dick, can I just salute the flag and say the pledge of allegiance right here? And also say a prayer to Jesus for the good men and women in the armed services?

Frankie: And the whole “attack them before they attack us”? You could justify any war with that! Hitler certainly did. And the whole idea of “it’s too late to go back now”? You could send ten thousand soldiers anywhere on the planet and then say that! These are not justifications for-

Storm: Shut up, kid. You had your chance to talk. Hey Superwasp, you know the words to God Bless America, right? Myrtle, cue the music.

Frankie: This isn’t even—

Superwasp: Dear Jesus, please let the bombs of almighty justice fall upon the heads of thine enemies, smiting their pagan brains in the name of peace and Your Love. Hey Dick, you still coming up to the beach estate this weekend?

Storm: Sorry, we’re out of time. Join us tomorrow as we discuss Bush’s tax plan. Is it great for America, or merely good for America? On the Right, we’ll have former Yale economist and Wall Street Journal columnist Ron Paidoff, and on the Left, we’ll have Eddie, the dog from Frasier. Be sure to see Frankie Muniz’s new film Spy Kids, in theaters now.

Frankie: That’s not even the name of the—

Storm: This is Dick Storm saying, remember America, without men in suits monitoring your email, there’s no such thing as freedom.

Some personal notes:

1. Betty: The flag does not guarantee my right to say whatever I want any more than the paper Olde English label on the beer in my fridge gets me drunk. The flag is a symbol. A signifier. And getting hopped up over signifiers puts you in the ranks of raccoons and crows.

2. Chris: It is unfortunate that the government will not give you significant help in obtaining secondary education without forcing you to kill foreign people first, but you knew the deal when you signed up. Enjoy my tax dollars; I work hard.

3. Gunter: You should be promoting discussion with the Americans you see, not being an asshole. Three fifths of us over here agree with you, and even with those who don’t, there isn’t much more than lukewarm support, mostly just people who know someone over there and want to keep their spirits up. But we’ve got about as much power to stop the beginning of the war from here as you do over there—none. We’re all in the same boat, so make friends, not war.

4. Mr. Martindale: I understand that you have a son over there. I have friends over there too. If it were up to me, your son would be eating dinner with you tonight. But it’s not up to me, it’s up to this administration, and they would rather have him securing regional dominance over a large concentration of world’s energy supply. The REAL sad part isn’t the lack of back-home support for the troops, it is that a young man’s love for his country is being cynically exploited by Men With Big Plans. I can appreciate how difficult it is to have a loved one in harm’s way, but he shouldn’t have been sent there in the first place. That’s all I’m saying. And we’re both adults here, so let’s drop Bush’s rhetoric and be honest. Your son isn’t fighting for my freedom any more now than when your other son fought in Bosnia. At least in Bosnia, the mission had good intentions. This war, however, does not. So don’t direct your anger at me—or the protesters: we’re trying to get your son back home. The world is a dangerous place, and I’m glad that there are people like your son willing to defend this country. But this is not defense. This is aggression. War is a rough policy tool, and an army in the wrong hands has dire, unforeseeable effects. So Mr. Martindale, direct your anger where it belongs, and hope your son doesn’t see any action. The man who returns may not be the kid you remember.

5. Trent, Julie, Ken, and Dante: come back safe. I can’t believe they’re burning you in this worthless war. Stay away from Black Hawks and try not to see too much—as Tim or Marshall can tell you, it sticks with you. I don’t believe in god, but you know I’ll be praying anyway.