So you want to get elected?

So you want to get elected, huh?

First and foremost you have to get one of those shitty haircuts. I suppose you just walk into the barber shop and say “Give me a Jack Kemp Space Helmet.” If you are a female seeking office, don’t get a Jack Kemp haircut. Try to look as close as Ann Landers as possible. Everyone respects her.

Next you need a blue suit. Don’t get too fancy because you are probably a huge dork to begin with, and someone will end up selling you a pimp costume. Stick to blue, and for Christ’s sake, don’t wear a bow tie. You’ll look like Orville Redenbocker. For women, the rule of thumb is: dress like a 50’s housewife and act like Archie Bunker. Everyone likes a strong, semifascist woman.

OK, now that you’ve got the image, you need money. Lots of it. Get your jaw muscles loose, because you’re gonna be sucking a lot of johnsons. The only thing separating you from that toothless guy on the corner is your suit and your haircut; remember that. Beg corporations, beg charities, beg little old ladies, and beg the Boy Scouts. Have fund-raiser dinners. Kiss ass. Promise the world; you don’t really have to come through once you get the money. You can be like the state representative here in California who will have a “personal meeting” with anyone for $1,000 a pop. If you have some CIA friends, see if they’ll sell crack for you. Blackmail, kidnapping, illegal gambling, credit card fraud: the sky’s the limit. Remember, once you get in office you’ll do good things. Right now you need cash.

OK, you got money. Now you need a platform. You should stay away from pro-crime and anti-family positions. Tell lots of stories about your grandparents. Mention how moral you are and hope those naked pictures of you flipping off the campus police at Yale never surface. It helps if you align yourself with a known party like the Republicans or the Democrats. While most parties suck, you should try to choose the one that is closest to your ideals. If you like pollution, personal oppression, and bigotry, you should become a Republican. If you like paying half your income to the tax man, think that people can’t take care of themselves, and believe criminals are “victims” as much as their prey, you should become a Democrat. If you want a state of anarchy where you get to use your gun a lot, you should go Libertarian. But, if you want the babes, you should go Socialist. Everyone loves a Socialist.

OK, you got a platform. Now, and this is the hard part, DON’T SCREW ANYONE YOU’RE NOT MARRIED TO! While you’re at it, stop your compulsive gambling, and try to beat your coke habit (unless you’re running for mayor). It will be a tough thing to do, considering the amount of stress you’ll be under, but that’s why you need a “Campaign Doctor”, a fully legal drug dealer who gives you all the pills you need (word of advice: stock up now, you’ll need lots of anti-depressants in case you lose). Don’t kill anyone, don’t even run a stop sign. Keep your nose clean. Act like there’s a camera on you at all times, because there probably is. For once in your life, act like a good person. Once you’re elected, you can go wild. I think the state gives you a drug and prostitute budget, but I’ll have to check on that one.

With these guidelines, you should have no problems getting elected. Tried and true, we have all accepted that the image is more important than substance. With good looks and a budget, you’ll go far. And when you get to the top of the heap, start fighting twice as hard. Decry big government and demand cuts; people love that shit. Fight for your constituents between balanced meals and corporate jets. You, of the people. You, of the plastic fuckers, with not so much of a toe in the shit pool that most of us swim in daily. Defend our families, destroy your enemies, reward your friends, and drop me a line. I have a feeling I’ll be needing a job soon.