National Beat Up An Annoying Drunk Weekend

National Beat Up An Annoying Drunk Weekend

I like to drink. In fact, I love drinking. I don’t have to drink to have a good time, but being drunk makes marginal times seem like more fun. It also breaks down barriers between people. With a loss of inhibitions comes the loss of the bullshit we surround ourselves with for protection. There’s almost a bonding that takes place when one drunk looks at another drunk and says “I’m drunk and pathetic.”

But like all good things in life there are those that can’t handle substance abuse. Pushed by their “addictive personalities”, they turn every pastime into a problem. These people have problems to begin with, and the abuse regimens they institute on their bodies stem from strange internal crises, not the evilness of the substance in question.

Everyone knows someone who can’t walk the line. No matter what they do, they completely overdo it, and bring down as many people with them as possible. Everyone’s got a hole to fill. Like the people you know who were once huge drug addicts and are now huge religion addicts. Or the people who get a boy/girlfriend and you don’t see them for 2 months. Or the people who feel it necessary to write semi-pedantic common sense masturbatory word orgies from ivory towers of filth, like anyone on the planet gives a shit. We all got holes to fill.

I hate people who can’t balance stuff out. I particularly hate ugly drunks. I’m not talking about the people you accidentally end up with in your dorm room, I’m talking about the people who get so fucked up they lose all control and start puking in your kitchen while telling you they’re gonna kick your ass. Don’t get me wrong, we all get out of hand from time to time (ask me about the time I pissed in the boss’s sink and then took a swing at him at an office party), and that’s OK. In fact I think it’s a cleansing thing to push it too far every so often, but dammit, those creatures who constantly make their little ordeal everyone else’s problem need to be locked in a trunk and tossed off a bridge.

You know the kind of people I’m talking about. They want to beat everyone up, they lurch around the room, they intimidate smaller people. They lose all their stuff, start crying, and puke in the back of your car. They shriek and slap high fives and get hyper-aggressive towards the opposite sex (especially you pathetic guys who go from wall flowers to date rapists after half a case of beer). They keep asking you the same questions, they hit on your date, they go through your fridge, they wrestle your dog, they fuck up your stereo, they yell shit out of moving cars, they piss all over the place, they shit their pants, and they cry about their mothers. They are loud, no fun, and just plain annoying. Something, tender readers, must be done.

As most of you know, I don’t often prescribe violence to cure societal problems, but today I am, by declaring this National Beat Up An Annoying Drunk Weekend. This weekend, as you all run to and fro through this beautiful world of ours, why not beat up every annoying drunk person you come in contact with. Don’t put anyone in the hospital or anything, just teach them that the wages of stupidity is a stiff beating about the head and shoulders with a blunt object. Remember: only beat Annoying Drunks. Funny drunks, sleepy drunks, quiet drunks, chatty drunks, clumsy drunks, and even sloppy drunks are allowed to go about their business. Homeless drunks are always OK, no matter how bad they get. But some people take the excuse of drunkenness to be complete bastards, and they MUST NOT GIVE US RESPECTABLE DRUNKS A BAD NAME! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go get a beer.