Nobody trusts you. Nobody trusts your judgment, your power to reason, your ability to decide what is best for you. Nobody thinks you can handle the truth. Nobody believes you will do the right thing. Nobody gives you the benefit of the doubt or meets you halfway. In fact, people are so unimpressed with you, they are willing to give up all their freedoms just to keep dangerous stuff out of your hands.

Do you have children? Everyone is very concerned about them. Everyone is wondering if you are doing a good job. Let me rephrase that: everyone is sure that you’re doing a lousy job. Even as you read this, they are developing a finely tuned mechanism to ensure that your children aren’t exposed to anything which might harm their emotional and moral development and turn them into someone as undesirable as you. Everyone knows how busy you must be, what with work and all, and since parenting is so difficult in this age of drugs and cybersex, they’ve agreed, free of charge, to do your parenting for you. Relax, your kids are in good hands.

So what do you do in your spare time? Take drugs? Drink alcohol? Engage in fornication? Enjoy pornography? Eat meat? Shoot guns? Avoid God? Covet? C’mon. We all do something awful. You can tell me. Even if you don’t find it to be a problem, we can work through it. You want to work through it, don’t you? Intervention, intervention, intervention. I used to have problems, but I’ve worked through them all, and now that I’m perfect, I’m moving on to you.

Can I have a few minutes of your time? Do you care about your soul? Mind if I sit here? What’s your name? What time is it? Can I have a dollar? How about a cigarette? Did I call at a bad time? Can I ask you some questions? Are you aware of the starving children? Would you like to make a donation? Are you stuck in a dead end job? Bills got you down? What makes you think you don’t have to pay your bills? Does it make you feel good to owe people money? Hassled by creditors? Are you happy? Can a psychic help you? Do you love her? Does he love you? Do you get the paper? Would you like to supersize? Are you tired of this? Does someone you know need help? What are you doing about your cholesterol? Do you suffer from these symptoms? How do you spell relief? Have you been injured? Are you entitled to a settlement? I know its late, but can I talk to you? Can I borrow 50 bucks? Can I come over? Can you help me? Can I get a ride?

Sometime I think what I want most of all in the whole wide world is to be left alone, but that’s not it either.