It’s Cool to be Crazy

by guest writer Jack Blumpie

It’s Cool to be Crazy

Everyone from “eccentric” Artists to “loco” Gangstas are trying their best these days to get that psychotic edge to stand out from the crowd. Who can blame them? Well-adjusted people are boring jerks who will never amount to anything! From Scandinavian Berserkers to Van Gogh to Wesley Willis, the only people who have amounted to shit throughout history have always had their share of misfiring synapses. Don’t let your comfortable modern life get in the way the tortured, maddened “take-charge” genius inside of you. Here at the Crash Site we want you to be all that you can be, so we have compiled a few sure-fire ways to make your journey to effective psychosis quick and easy:

Nothing like a few bad chemicals to let you see the other side. You can go the standard drug route with excessive amounts of glue sniffing, gas huffing, LSD, PCP, etc., but real troopers go straight to the metals. Start drinking mercury (thermometer shots) or just carry around a lead weight and suck on it every once in a while. Many historians will credit the excesses (orgies, torture, war) of the Roman Emperors to the common use of lead cups, plates and pipes. Break out the metals and get gone.

Even more deliberate than chemicals, physically destroying brain tissue can put you over the edge almost immediately. Get in a car wreck, or even better, grab a hammer! Be careful not to fracture too much skull, being a vegetable doesn’t gather much street cred. For my money though, I’m going with a lobotomy: Pioneered back in the 50’s, you can alter your mental state just by stirring up your frontal lobe with a metal rod. Drill through the skull, grab an icepick, and stir until soupy. Try not to slobber too much.

Talk to someone walking the streets at night in camouflage, and you will find out real quick that war does funny things to your head. Take Vietnam for example: crawling around in a steaming jungle with leeches in your pants, scooping up the entrails of your new friends, little enemy gooks disappearing into underground tunnels- it is no wonder people got so fucked up. The only problem with this one is timing; if you country isn’t currently in a war you might just have to wait. Grab a ‘Soldier of Fortune’ and look for mercenary jobs, or try one of the other methods.

This does it for plenty of people, believe me. And I don’t mean the occasional spanking or Weird Uncle who always encourages bare-chested hugs. I am talking about “chained up in the basement for a few years” kind of thing. Of course, if you have already grown past childhood this won’t be much use to you, but I am thinking of the younger readers out there. If you really want to be crazy, and believe me- you do!- you have to start young and work hard.

Have fun! Let free the artist or the O.G. inside of you! Of course a lot of these methods are dangerous, but that is what being crazy is all about. Once you are officially crazy, you won’t give a fuck about anything- well, except the tiny Frenchmen who keep pulling off your sheets in the night and pissing on you. But fuck them, man, FUCKEM! FUCKEM!