One Night Stand Avoidance Tip

How many times have you irreversibly complicated your life by hooking up with a person out of sheer lust, only to find out (after you come, of course) you hate that person more than anything you’ve ever hated before, and want to do nothing more than push your new lover in front of a bus and run screaming into the night? I’ve done it about as many times as it’s been done to me, and on either end of it, it sucks. As a public service to you, Internet Community, on this fine September day, I would like to pass on a One Night Stand Avoidance Tip, as it was passed on to me by Gregg Fabian, famed Oi boy and ska musician, when I was a mere lass in New Orleans.

Not that I have any problems with one night stands. I just think they reflect poor judgment, with faint overtones of desperation, like “If I don’t make my move now, this person might sober up, or get to know me, and then I’d never get laid.” Spontaneity is good and all, but screwing someone you just met, or aren’t too sure about is sketchy at best, suicide at worst. Of course, most of my erotic, sensual, and horny friends think I’m missing out, but none of them seem too happy after the bragging blow by blow report is related Monday morning. Tits are tits. Dicks are dicks. Laid is laid. Big Deal. I can shit too, but who wants the blow by blow on that?

OK, here’s the trick. It helps if you kind of know the person and have met them before, but that’s not imperative. Beat off (a term that now applies to females as well as males). Immediately after coming, think about that person.* Can you see yourself cuddling up, going to sleep, and making waffles with that person in the morning? Maybe hanging out until after lunch the next day? Or do you feel a bit sick? Like you’d want to be in your own bed, alone, watching TV, or across town, drinking beer with your friends? Emotions change with shifting hormone levels. Try it for yourself. I swear it works. It’s kept me from making many a mistake. It keeps life simple, conserves precious bodily fluids in the long run, and when you do finally meet someone worth being with, you don’t have to explain away the fact that you’ve been with more people than Dr. J.

*This should not be confused with the “Safety Jack” in which the male excuses himself shortly before a sexual encounter and masturbates furiously to orgasm. This is done especially if the male hasn’t “gotten any” in a while, and serves as a brilliant method to not only delay orgasm, but make it more intense when it happens. It also decreases the amount of baby making materials otherwise known as “sperm.”