I used to think of crime as a revolutionary force; an instant redistribution of economic wealth based on the inventiveness of the criminal. The thief was an anarchist warrior. Ignoring the structure that society had constructed, the criminal stole from faceless corporations, rich idiots, or anyone else profiting from the work of the common man, proving that not everyone was a polite consumer, waiting in line like sheep for the few material goods they believed were going to make their lives worth living. A rogue and his wits risking the ultimate possession: freedom.

But then I moved out of my parents house. Crime sucks, and most criminals are assholes stealing shit they don’t really need. A friend of mine has a real job at a clothing store. They probably arrest 3 people a day for shoplifting. Are these people stealing cheese and bread from The Man to feed starving children? No, they’re stealing necklaces and headbands, because they don’t feel like paying. Fry `em. Anyone stupid enough to risk hundreds of dollars in fines and possible jail time for hair accessories should not be allowed to move and breed in society. There’s no revolution here, it’s just vanity.

A few days ago I went to pay for groceries with my credit card. Even though I just emptied my bank account to pay American Express off, the mustachioed lady behind the register said I was over my limit. Now, my limit is pretty infinitesimal compared to most of the people I know with credit cards, but this was strange. I didn’t have enough money in my bank to cover the groceries, so I was pretty much fucked. I went home and checked my messages, and found a message from some catalog company asking to confirm an order for a pair of $200 women shoes. Some bitch grabbed my number and ran up my limit with FUCKING CLOTHES! AAARRGGHH! I can’t buy groceries because this whore wants to look nice? Now I gotta: a)get a new card, b) pay a $50 charge, c)fight my credit card company for the charges, and in the mean time, I’m fucked until my next paycheck. Thank you crime! Thank you revolutionary shock troops! The most frustrating thing was that none of the catalogs would give me the address of the bitch trying to order the shit. I guess that kept ME from becoming a criminal, the last thing I need to do is blow my probation.

It all stems back to the fact that we love to fuck each other over. The feeling of power, the feeling of screwing the system and making some rich asshole pay for your stupid little desires. If you want tacky little things to adorn your body and walls, you should suffer in the working world to see how useless that shit is when you have to put out some effort for it. The sheer disregard for your fellow citizen, as you appropriate his or her property, is so blatant and gaudy, I say we take a cue from the Arabs and start chopping hands. Hell, that’s a job I wouldn’t mind getting up for every morning, I would be Mark Driver – Hand Chopper. (Note: good idea for a sit-com)

The bottom line is: There is no such thing as a victimless crime when it comes to stealing. Except for cable. It’s OK to steal that.