Hurricane Names Really Suck

Hurricane Bertha slammed Puerto Rico on Sunday with winds of over 115 mph and a whole lotta love. A surfer from Georgia was one of her first casualties, ignoring the hurricane warning and challenging the huge waves. He lost the challenge and was swept out to sea. Bertha then went after the Virgin Islands and is now headed straight towards the East coast, where it’s expected to hit later on in the week.

My biggest problem with hurricanes isn’t the rampant destruction or senseless waste of human life, it’s the way they name those bastards. In case you don’t know how the naming system goes, it’s like this: At the beginning of the season you start with the letter A. Every year you alternate whether start with a male or female name, from there, in classic kindergarten style, you go boy-girl-boy-girl, until the season stops. You have to make sure the names are really stupid names, the kind you’d find on waitresses’ uniforms in Tulsa or Texarkana.

Some highly destructive hurricanes with stupid names have been Hurricane Bob (17 deaths, $1.5 million damage), Hurricane Gilbert (318 deaths, $5 million damage), Hurricane Gloria (15 deaths), Hurricane Eloise (100 deaths), Hurricane Agnes (122 deaths), and the clincher, Hurricane Fifi who killed over 10,000 people in Honduras.

How embarrassing would it be to have to admit you lost your kids and dog to Hurricane “Bertha” or had your house destroyed by Hurricane “Gilbert”? How could you explain your entire village was wiped out by something named “Fifi”? They ought to give them badass names like “Mega Killer 2000” or “The Blast Furnace”.

I don’t think it’s fair for people who happen to have the same names as a present hurricane in the news. I mean, it’s curse enough to have a name like “Ramona”, the last thing you need are hurricane jokes. “Oh oh, here comes Hurricane Ramona, don’t destroy our beach front property!” And what if you have lost a loved one to Hurricane Pearl? Would you ever be able to meat someone with that same name and be friendly? “Pearl, you violent whore of the sea! You killed my dog!” or “Pearl. Hmmm. I know someone named Pearl who ruined my life.”

Worse yet, what if it’s named after YOU! What guilt!

But, contrary to the beliefs of some, changing the name of something won’t do anything. Calling a bullet a “chicken” right before it hits you will do little except confuse a passerby who might indeed believe you were brought down by a chicken. I just think those weather guys can do better.