Survival Tips For Shitty Living Vol 2.

Survival Tips For Shitty Living Vol 2.

Yet another installment in techniques of semi-ethical existence. Again, if you get in trouble trying to save a buck, don’t come crying to me. I’ll laugh and make things worse by writing a column about you.


Although technically illegal, always sneak your own booze onto the plane. Buy the first beer, and make sure you have the same brand in your bag, or just keep refilling it from a 40 oz. Better yet, just bring on a bottle of the hard stuff and keep asking for mixers. Be sly though. Get caught by a cranky stewardess, and you’ve broken Federal Law.


I pulled this scam in Hilton Head once. It only works if you’re under 25. Call and make reservations for yourself and your family. On the day of the reservation, call the hotel and explain to them that you are having car trouble and will be coming in late. Explain that you have a son/daughter from college meeting you at the hotel and ask to have a key waiting for him/her. Leave a message for your son/daughter explaining the situation. Later in the day, go to the hotel and play the part of the college student. Read the message partly out loud and freak out. “Oh my God, what’s gonna happen to me?” If it’s a classy place, they’ll give you a room key. Enjoy, and get out early. Pull this at a big, overpriced chain motel. It would suck to put a little businessperson out a room for the night.

Getting Free Carpeting

Too many puke stains on the living room rug to keep guests exited in your house? Do what I do and periodically replace the carpeting. That way you don’t feel bad dripping all over the rug with your next nosebleed. How do you get $50 a square yard carpeting for free? Go to any big carpeting store that does home installation. When the workmen come back for the day, they dump all their partial rolls in the dumpster. Explain to the manager of the store that you work in a charity run daycare center and ask if they would like to donate carpeting to underprivileged children. When they get all guilt ridden and tell you “no” act somewhat taken back. Ask them if you can at least go through their dumpster for carpeting scraps. The manager will get to save face and not feel like a cold hearted person, and you’ll have full run of the scraps they were going to throw away anyways. Note: If they do offer to donate you’d be a real loser to take it. Instead of spending the rest of the day drinking, be a good human and call around to see if anyone needs the carpet.

At The Bar

If you’re drinking beer, ALWAYS get a pitcher if available. It’s usually the price of two bottles and you’ll get four beers worth. Unless you’re only having one drink (why bother?), it’s your best bet.

Sleeping Cheap Away From Home

If you can’t find grass, or it’s too cold to sleep outside, go to an airport, train station, or bus depot and crash out. Usually airports are the safest places to sleep. Act like you’re waiting for a plane, and sleep on top of your bag so no one steals it. International wings are the best places to sleep, because flights arrive irregularly and people are usually sleeping through delays anyways. Unless you look like a bum, no one will hassle you.

Good Cooking With Limited Conditions

Coffee pot ramens. Crumble the noodles into the pot and run the water through like normal. Let it sit for about 10 minutes. Stir in poison MSG flavoring packet and enjoy. Note: Do not put coffee in machine, unless you are totally fucked.

Supermarket Shopping

UPC code. Mark of the Beast or Friend of the Consumer? Let the philosophers decide that crap, it’s a means to an end for you. I had a job weighing fruit in a grocery store once. I punched in the weight and a little UPC sticker came out with the price. Hey, Mark, why not print out cheaper prices for the gourmet food items you so enjoy? Hey good idea Mark, all I have to is stick the new UPC code over the old one. It’s not like someone’s gonna accuse me of bringing UPC codes into a store! Just don’t be dumb. No one’s gonna sell you a bottle of gin for fifty cents. Figure out your own way to beat the system of Satan.

Not Getting Mugged

I usually don’t carry enough money to worry that much about getting mugged. They want my wallet bad enough to stick a Glock in my face, they can have it. But if you do have a bunch of cash, credit cards, ATM cards that you don’t want stolen, carry two wallets. One in your back pocket filled with like five bucks and an old expired credit card, and your real wallet somewhere else. Tell them how poor you are. Even if you get clubbed, the mugger might only take your decoy wallet, leaving you with all your goods intact.

Getting More Breaks At Work

Although its usually frowned upon, a bomb threat can go a long way in breaking up your day, especially in today’s paranoid climate. I used to date a dimwit girl who chose this method of getting to hang out with me more. The department store I worked in would be evacuated and she’d be in the parking lot waiting for me. I don’t think she knew that she could go to jail for 20 years if she got caught and I didn’t think of telling her. I was just stoked to get out of work for a half hour while they brought in the dogs.

Getting Free Furniture

College towns are the best places to pick up free furniture. Find out when the final semester (or quarter) before ends. Chances are half the town is moving on that day. And since most everyone has been studying for finals (and then getting absolutely smashed when finals are over) they probably forgot that they had to be out of their houses at the end of the month. Their poor planning is your good fortune. Borrow a pickup truck, and go be a scavenger. Most people are just glad not to have to deal with having their oversized junk picked up.

That does it for this installment, but stay tuned. There’s plenty more low brow living where this came from.