Sunday Movie Conspiracy

Friends, there is a conspiracy among us. It is a monster that threatens to tear our society apart at the seams. I’m not talking about some weak Republican drug scare, or the destruction of the welfare state, or even the complete destruction of marriage in this country. Oh no. What I see is something far more nefarious, gripping, and relevant to our lives. What I see is something that none of us are immune to, no matter what our station in life. What I see is Stupid Sunday Afternoon Movies, a beast that takes in our weak bodies and spits out the bleached bones of defeat, taking away the last day of the weekend and any hope of getting anything done.

This is no accident. This is a dedicated plot of those who control the media to keep us, the people with stuff to do, down. I can’t even count the number of times that I, detailed “to do” list in hand, accidentally brushed up against the “on” button on my TV only to find Police Academy 1-3 staring me in the face. “Just until the next commercial” becomes, “just until 3:00”, and pretty soon it’s 10:00 at night, my “to do” list is permanently sealed onto my chest with drool, my muscles have atrophied from disuse and malnutrition, and my weekend is over. I can drag myself into bed if I’m lucky.

As proof of this conspiracy, I charted stupid Sunday movie quality against the amount of shit I had to do that day, and the results are obvious: The more I had to do, the stupider the movie.

Don’t get me wrong. I do not enjoy any of these movies. I, however, cannot resist them. There must be some sort of subliminal waves keeping me there. Down and out. If it weren’t for the Simpsons, I’d kill my TV.