Government Defined

Government Defined

by Mark Driver

Government: A group of elected and unelected officials you pay to make decisions for you that you’d never make for yourself.

The President: A basically useless position remarkable only in its use as a diversion from real government incompetence. Put into place by billions of dollars, winners are usually those perceived as the most easily influenced by the majority of a specific persuasion, and in the case of a close race, the individual a majority of the electorate would choose if forced into a sexual situation. Once a president is elected, his job consists mainly in fighting allegations made by the people who voted for his opponent. Any progress made during the term of a president should be considered accidental, and can usually be attributed to a naïve group of individuals actually taking a president seriously.

The Vice-President: While the name might infer a less moralistic president, the vice president is instead chosen for his ability to be even less remarkable than the president. As you might imagine, finding such a person is no easy task.

Congress: A body of government employees, usually incapable of ethical individual enterprise, whose main concern is diverting money of working individuals to non-working individuals while diverting the money of corporations into their own pockets. Congress consists of two bodies, equally incompetent:

The House: A pillar of Democracy whose main service to society is filling the airwaves with negativity during election campaigns that end briefly on the night of the election, and begin early the next morning. The main responsibility of the House is to painstakingly create laws that harm everybody equally, and sending those laws to the Senate to be destroyed, or in the case of a particularly devastating law, passed.

The Senate: A group of adults mainly concerned with the fact that they haven’t yet been able to secure their positions for life, although they are able to depend on their consistently mediocre performance to be re-elected by their consistently mediocre constituents. When not arguing the issue of increasing their own salaries, or determining the benefits packages of their pensions after a glorious career of imposing on the freedoms on their countrymen, the Senate busies itself with not passing laws set forth by the House, or in the case of a particularly devastating law, passing it.

Speaker Of The House: An exceptionally skilled liar whose main function is coordinating attacks on the President, or if the President and the Speaker are of the same party, making excuses for him. Recent Speakers of the House have been required to posses a certain silver-haired Fred Flintstone quality.

Two Party System: A brilliant illusion craftily manufactured to give voters the feeling of choice; choosing between the parties is like choosing between being slapped with the front or the back of the hand.

Minority Whip: No one is actually sure what the Minority Whip is, although it presumably reflects Congress’s attitude towards minorities.

Supreme Court: An office held for life, ensuring mistakes of the past are repeated for at least 20 more years.

State Government: An entity created for its ability to more specifically oppress you and your neighbors. Main duties include standing in front of citizens and charging to get out of the way.

Local Government: An entity created to make sure you can’t park in front of your apartment, are duly punished for owning a house, and to ensure that your children remain stupid enough not to clean up the messed up town they are inheriting.

Taxes: 1) Punishment for working. 2) Good money after bad. 3) Inefficient fuel for an incompetent engine.

CIA: Noam Chomsky said that Government is the shadow of business on America. It only makes sense then that the CIA is the shadow of American business on the rest of the world.

FBI: The thin blue line between you and the horrors of videotape duplication.

Pollster: An unbiased, scientific sampler of public opinion who comes up with a precisely accurate account of exactly what sort of lies people like to tell nosy strangers on the phone. Polls have twice the political weight of any given public vote, and final accuracy of any poll can be judged by whether one agrees with it or not.