The Ugly European

The Ugly European

I don’t know if Europe Air is sponsoring a “fly to America and be an asshole” deal, but something strange is going on in this neighborhood. Before I continue, let me just say that I hold no hostility towards foreigners. I have many good friends from the Old World who are perfectly presentable and very human in many ways. Members of my family have traveled to Europe, but that was back in 1942 and they were shooting people, so that doesn’t really count.

There will be no quips about piss-breath or rotten teeth or the table manners of drunken goats. I’m sure if I ever had enough money to visit another country, I would find it to be a perfectly nice place, and I’m sure the people there are pretty much the same as they are here in many ways. I am not talking to the common person. I talking to the assholes rich enough to visit the U.S.

And this isn’t to say Americans traveling in foreign lands aren’t equally awful; I’m sure they’re worse. Hell, Americans traveling in their own country are bad enough, I feel sorry for the world for ever letting America grow out of its infancy to the huge ravenous consumer monster it is today, sending it’s minions around the world to demand Burger Kings in remote African villages. But that’s not me. I’m a mere peasant who can barely afford my rent, much less the airfare to your shitty little country.

So to make things easier for all the asshole foreign tourists wandering the US (and especially Southern California), I came up with a few tips to help them better enjoy their time in our country, and help the people who have to live in their destinations. These tips are actually based on mistakes I’ve witnessed tourists making. Sadly, I didn’t have to make any of this up.

Tip 1: In your country, the dating process may start by pinching a stranger on the butt or breasts. In our country, that’s a good way to get maced, get sued, or get the shit kicked out of your hairy foreign ass by a Tough American Woman. It’s OK to stare at a desirable person of the opposite sex, just be subtle; the embarrassment you save may be your own.

Tip 2: Fanny Packs and dark socks with sandals are stupid, and label you right away as a Foreign Tourist, which labels you right away for Violent Death At The Hands Of An American Criminal. Actually, maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Skip Tip 2.

Tip 3: While most Americans can barely speak English, they know when they’re being made fun of. Actually, they are overparanoid that you are making fun of them with every foreign word you use, so go easy on the chatter. You’re much easier to get along with when you’re reading sentences like “I am in the need for inside toilet for my bottom” out of those little translator books.

Tip 4: Most Americans can barely speak effectively in their native tongue (See Tip 3). They certainly don’t know your stupid language. Don’t even try it. You all had to learn English in school; use it.

Tip 5: While the service sector in your country may be required by class structure, government legislation, or caste system to be polite, America is different. Americans hate their jobs. Many American shoppers understand this, and occasionally try to make it easier on the people working shitty jobs. Being rude in a restaurant is a good way to get your steak dropped on the ground before it hits your plate. While at work, Americans don’t care if your rare meat is overdone. They don’t care if the coffee sucks. They don’t even care if you pay or not. They just want you to go away so they can go home and drink. So stop complaining, it just reinforces the hatred the locals have for you and your people. Also, don’t forget to tip. Your meal is cheap because your waiter makes 2 bucks an hour.

Tip 6: Homeless people are victims of an unfair capitalist system. They are not props to get pictures taken with. And if you do have the callousness to take a shot of your wife next to a woman with a shopping card full of cans, give the woman a dollar. It’s the green bill with the “20” on it.

Tip 7: Don’t wear those weenie benders at the beach! No one wants to see your marble bag! In America, men wear shorts to the beach, not panties. Women: Like in your country, going topless is fine. People will stare and point out of admiration.

Tip 8: Those dudes who wash your windows at red lights are not employees of the city. Pay them. You’re lucky they’re not following your rental car to your hotel.

Tip 9: When you ask someone for directions, please be nice and listen. Most people will send you in the right direction, but only the first few times you ask them. Thank them, and walk away, in the right direction. And make sure the first person is out of sight before you ask someone else for directions again.

Tip 10: Remember, in America, everyone has guns. Shooting foreigners isn’t even a crime anymore. So, even though it goes against every bone in your warped foreign body, be polite. It may just save your life.