Benefits of Living Like A Slob

Music Writing

by Mark Driver

Benefits of Living Like A Slob

OK, fine. So I’m a slob. I can live with that. While disease, lack of respect among my peers, and a crippled love life may be a few of the negative aspects of living in a trash pit, there are some benefits.

  • Benefit 1 – There’s always food within reach. Sure it might be a bit, uh, dated, but recall that our ancestors ate lots of gross things. This also applies to my two German shepherds, Lenin and Trotsky.
  • Benefit 2 – I don’t really notice my roach problem because they are always under things. You’re gonna have roaches regardless when you live on the beach, so you might as well try to give them some cover.
  • Benefit 3 – Unexpected friends and family will kindly refuse your offer for a place to stay, keeping your place to yourself while making you seem nice for offering.
  • Benefit 4 – Kinda tied into Benefit 3, cheezy people following you home from bars will soon lose their urge to mate, and you will save yourself for someone worth cleaning for (i.e. – someone “very special”).
  • Benefit 5 – Like roaches, police searches are an inevitable event in Southern California. Cops searching my home (as well as their dogs) would soon become discouraged, give up, and go back to the station to clean their boots (not the dogs). Not that I have anything to hide.
  • Benefit 6 – There’s always something soft on floors. This is extremely beneficial in case of falls or if I come home too drunk to get into bed.
  • Benefit 7 – Like cops, would-be burglars become extremely discouraged at the site of my place. It would be much easier to rob my neighbor’s clean apartment.
  • Benefit 8 – Lots of hiding places. Who knows when this might come in handy?
  • Benefit 9 – The mess keeps me from quitting my job and moving to a different city (something I’ve done enough of for one life) because I’d have to clean the place to get my deposit back.
  • Benefit 10 – Unlike most sterile living quarters of first world inhabitants, I get to experience nature first hand, watching as biological factors (bacteria, viruses, fungi) slowly break down leftover lentils to a basic material level, enriching me both as an American, and a human being.
  • Benefit 11 – Save money on soap and water bills. Without worrying about dishes, showers, hair washing, etc., I have freed up much of my disposable income to buy important things like CDs and beer.

So all you neat freaks and health nuts can go jump into the ocean for all I care. I’m dirty, unruly, and unpleasant to be around, and I like it that way. Now, if I could only chip these scabs off my body . . . . . . . . . . .