Zoo Attacks

I’d like to take this space today and address a very serious situation that is affecting many making up the most vulnerable demographic of our population: zoo visitors.

In case you haven’t heard, an innocent victim was mauled by a bear at the San Diego Zoo on Friday. Was he pushed into the cage? No. Did he slip on discarded ice cream? Not even close. This poor man was INVITED INTO THE CAGE BY THE BEAR!

It should be obvious to the thoughtful observer that this is not “normal”. How could a grown man be tricked into the waiting arms of carnivorous death? There is only one logical answer – terrorism. Reliable sources have identified several terrorist networks specializing in animal coercion training, where various dangerous beasts are captured from zoos and taught common American gestures for “come here”, “let’s swim together”, and “I’ve got something nice for you.”

Friday’s event was not the first zoo “accident” to happen to an innocent bystander. No sir, these attacks have been going on, unbeknownst to the public, since 1982, when a parrot-tiger team lured a pregnant housewife to her bloody demise. Both animals were found to be agents of the MLF (an organization who has yet to make their acronym public), and were destroyed shortly after the attack.

Since then there have been scores of elephant, gorilla, and ferret maulings, dismissed as “unfortunate incidents”. One blatant “incident” actually involved a king cobra which had been slowly cutting a hole in its glass cage, eventually getting through and attacking an entire cub scout troop attending “Reptile Week” at the Salt Air Zoo. It was the Week of the Reptiles, indeed.

Says Jack Lumpie of the Venice Zoo, “Being kept in cages creates a rage in animals easily exploitable by world wide enemies of capitalism and democracy. They play on the animal’s weak judgment skills in much the same way Young Republicans claim converts. It’s just disgusting.”

I am in complete agreement with Mr. Lumpie (except on the Republican analogy). I think that all zoo animals should be severely beaten, if even allowed to live. In a perfect world we could just kill all the animals, but that would piss off all those liberal wackos we hear so much about. Still, in the name of stopping terrorism, there will always be a few casualties.