Survival Tips For Shitty Living Vol. 1.

Survival Tips For Shitty Living Vol. 1.

In public service to my fellow peons, I would like to present the first in an installment of tips to make a scumbag lifestyle a little more livable. If you get your face blown off following these pointers, let me apologize in advance.

At The Bar Always tip hard on the first drink, and say something about respecting a good bartender. In church, the priest is your man, but at the bar, it’s the tender who plays God. You’ll get stronger drinks, better service, and when the bar starts getting crowded later on, you’ll be first in the pecking order. Make sure the barkeep knows it’s you tipping. If someone leaves a tip on the bar that the tender doesn’t notice, slide it over (don’t steal it shithead) and pretend it’s from you.

Taxi When grabbing a taxi somewhere always make sure you have small bills. Two twenties won’t do you a bit of good when the fare is 26 bucks and driver claims to have no change. And don’t think you can get them to settle for 20, unless you can run fast.

Grocery Store Salad Bars Many grocery stores have salad bars where you can pile wilted lettuce and garbonzos in a styrofoam box and pay by the pound, usually 2.99 or 3.99 a lb. The trick here is you find an item in the bar you enjoy and costs MORE than the salad bar price per pound, and fill your box. Not illegal, just shitty. I like bacon bits and cheese personally, but that’s just me.

Airplanes OK, so you’ve paid $500 to fly, and they want to feed you a piddly pile of food. The food on airplanes is just fine, there’s just not enough of it. I hate hearing people bitch about airplane food. Hell, it’s better than the shit I usually eat, but that’s a different story. When you order your ticket request a vegetarian meal. I know, you feel stupid, but that’s because you’re a twat. Order it, and enjoy it when you get it. They usually bring out the `special’ meals first, which means you don’t have to wait. And if yer still hungry, finish you meal before the regular meal service gets to you. Act like you didn’t eat yet, and get another yummy meal. Still hungry? Smile real big at the stewardess and ask for any leftover dinners. You’ll usually get one.

Hotels OK, so you’re dirty, and want to lay around in style for a while. Maybe the heat in your shitty place is too expensive to run all the time, or maybe you want to hang out in air-conditioned comfort. You can’t pay for cable. Whatever, you want a hotel room for a few hours. First of all, put something nice on. Then go to a swanky hotel, around 2 or 3 pm in the afternoon. Wander around the floors until you come to a maid cleaning a room. Act annoyed and walk right in. Tell her that she has done enough and can leave. She’ll assume it’s your room if you’re snobby enough. If someone else’s stuff is there, neatly pile it in a corner (don’t steal – you may be a scumbag but you’re not a crook. Stealing sucks.) Take a shower, watch some TV. If someone comes in, act like it’s your room and be a real dick. Say you’re gonna go to the front desk and straighten things out. Keep on walking.

Street Solicitors If you’re assaulted by those fuckers with a cause in the street (you know, Vegans For Progressive Spiritualism, Pro Life and Proud, that kinda bullshit), and you’re too lazy to argue, point at your mouth and say “I am not with the words …. with the English” in your thickest Russian accent. Don’t go for Spanish or some language anyone might know. If they still try to talk, point at your watch, smile, and walk off.

Cops I don’t know how many fucking friends of mine have been carted off for playing tough guy with the cops. Like it on not, cops are the law. It is their decision to let you go or fuck up your night by hauling you in. Be cool to the cops, even if you hate them. The job sucks, and it seems to attract people with some strange power issues. If you get burly on your average street dork, he’ll usually back down. The cops don’t back down. Ever. They think they are the last defense between you and the normal people back in the suburbs. If you escalate stuff, they know they can mace you, taser you, baton you, or even shoot you. Most of them don’t want to crack your head, but they won’t hesitate to crack your head either. They want respect. Give it to them. They want to feel like they are effectively controlling the situation. Let them feel that way. Tell them what they want, be courteous, understanding, and firm with whatever story you’re telling them. Relate to them as best as you can. It might sound like a wimp move, but the tender reed bends while the mighty oak snaps.

Fights As a general rule, fights are stupid and should be avoided whenever possible, even if it makes you look like a wuss. Be strong enough to crack a joke and back down. You don’t really want to fight. You never know who has a gun, and, if the person with the gun is you, save your bullets for the bastard breaking into your house, not your fellow nightlifers. Arrests, broken teeth, getting kicked out of bars, getting followed home, and making permanent enemies makes fighting something to be left to the small-cocked, testosteroned jocks who aren’t smart enough to help it. However, if you do find yourself in a situation where a fight is inevitable, go for the fucking throat, and do it first. Don’t wait for the shoving match. Poke eyes, kick necks, grab nuts, tear ears, break knees, whatever you can do to end it quickly with as little injury to yourself as possible. Don’t stop to see if he’s “had enough.” Put him in the fucking hospital. If anyone feels it necessary to reach out and physically hurt you, there is no moral reason not to destroy him or her absolutely.

Eating Cheap Away From Home Fuck Taco Bell, fuck all fast food. The best way to feed yourself when you’re away from home is the grocery store. For 5 bucks you can get a loaf of bread, a bag of carrots, a bunch of apples, and some cheap peanut butter. This will feed you for days. Don’t be an idiot when your funds are low, no matter how bad you crave some yummy hot food. Once you’re full, it won’t matter what you ate. Save your money for important things, like drugs.

Sleeping Cheap Away From Home Let’s face it, hotel rooms, even the cheap ones, are expensive. When on vacation, in transit, or even on the other side of town, there’s no reason to stay in a hotel, when so many other nice places provide room for sleeping. I once spent a week on exclusive Marco Island, Florida, and only spent $15. The trick? Stay up all night, sleep during the day. It’s safer that way, as well as cheaper. We’d hang out at a pier drinking 40’s until 6am, walk down the beach, find a resort, find some lawnchairs in the shade, and sleep until noon. Because we made an attempt to stay well groomed and dressed reasonably well, we were never hassled. Likewise, stay up all night drinking coffee in a Denny’s. When daylight hits, find a nice spot of grass, and sleep away. We do this in Vegas all the time.

I hope this helps a few of you cretins out. This is by no means a complete list of tips, just the first volume of many to come. The system sucks, but it creates pockets of opportunities for those brazen enough to exploit them. Scavengers aren’t to popular, but then again, neither is starving to death.