How To Sneak Beer Into A Movie/Hockey Game

How To Sneak Beer Into A Movie/Hockey Game

by Mark Driver

Hello, ugly. Yeah, it’s been a long while, but this time I have an excuse beyond my regular chemical brain cocktail of world crushing apathy/disgust with everything human. Yes, tender fiddler crabs, all of my idle talk about churning out a novel has actually turned into something, and, in an agreement I signed with myself over filet mignon and numerous glasses of a fabulous merlot at the Metropolitan Grille to the tune of $79 including a hefty tip, all my itches, inklings, and an idiocy get put into this embryonic mistake I’ve tentatively titled “Fucked in Half by Scorpions”, which, coincidentally, was the Indian name given to me by the pit boss when I won $350 on a long shot craps bet at the Muckleshoot Casino last week.

As of this writing, I’m 57 pages into the book, and adding 3 or 4 pages a week. Still no plot, but I’m thinking that a plot is just a shitty stick to keep stupid people from losing interest, as if “it doesn’t go anywhere” is some sort of worthy criticism of anything other than my boat, which is acting like a Complete Whore of the Sea lately. It’s a junky gold speedboat from the 60’s with a beat-up 250 horsepower Mercury, and when it runs, it’s fast as fuck. However, those times are few and far between. As they say, the two happiest times in a boat owner’s life are when he buys it, and then when he blows a hole in the hull with a 12 gauge and sinks it for insurance purposes. With every day of flooded floating, I’m nearing that second moment of bliss.

True, it’s nearly impossible to stick to my rules and put every little thing I think of solely into my book, especially with all the moronic shit flying around the country of late. Like Flaccid Erection 2000. Republicans back the marble-mouthed rich kid, and assure themselves a loss in November. Caring conservative reformer my ass, more like an moss covered air-craft carrier with sun decks for his polo buddies and American workers burned for fuel down below.

And the Democrats play their ass in the hole and hope that all those “human lessons” they bought Android Gore pay off for four more years of milky white touchy feely spew to be atomized, dried, and distributed via officially approved news outlets. Not that any of that matters. My vote always either goes for Nader or Browne, (sorry Jello) and the only reason I even bother with them so I don’t have to hear “if you don’t vote than you have no right to complain”. Fine. I’ll go vote. Gore will win, I’ll keep complaining, then I’ll start looking for places to hide my guns.

Yeah, my guns. I punch holes through sheetrock every time I see one of these public shootings cynically turned into a rallying point for gun control. Clinton, noticeably edgier since he’s had to resort to jerking off alone in the shower, tugging Columbine heartstrings to the detriment of the Constitution. Stone Phillips and his little ‘news’ show, off screen coaching the mom who just lost a kid, “OK, now look directly into the camera, start crying, and say ‘if only we could keep guns out of the hands of children’. Then we’ll cue the piece that rips on the NRA, cut back to crying parent, then play ‘The Happy World of Gun Control’. Perfect!”

Gun control? Come on. Murder’s been made illegal, that doesn’t seem to stop people. There’s about a joint’s worth of weed in my pocket right now. From what I hear, that stuff’s illegal too. Passing a law doesn’t do much but harass people who actually follow the law. You want to pass a law? How about any crime committed with a gun gets five times the normal penalty. I think most other legal gun owners could stand by that one.

A friend of mine is convinced that these mass shootings are CIA orchestrated hypnosis sprees with a final goal of nothing less than disarming the entire U.S. population so that government can operate without any fear of reprisal. But then again, he also believes in God, so I don’t give him too much credit.

What sort of sick creep supports gun control? Rosie O’Donnell with her bodyguards and 30 foot walls around her palatial estate? I don’t know where the fuck you live, but it takes the overworked cops 15 minutes to answer a 911 call in my neighborhood, and I’m not even in a shitty part of town. When I lived in LA, an intruder in my apartment didn’t even muster a squad car, I had scream a bunch of shit about owning a gun to scare him off, and then go to the station and file a report. I bought my first gun that afternoon. If you’ve never lived in a bad place, let me assure you that you can’t rely on the cops, and taking away the ability for people to defend themselves is as cruel as the isolated incidents of psychopathic shootings that get plastered on the news for weeks every time they happen. Gun violence is actually down (not that you’d get that impression from the TV news) yet there’s a crazy push for more controls. I’ve heard the argument of “I don’t want YOUR kid coming to school with a gun”. Well, I don’t want YOUR kid breaking into my apartment and raping my wife, and shit like that happens a hell of a lot more than schoolyard shootings. And if you bring up those statistics about gun accidents in the home vs. actually using a gun on intruder, I can guarantee that any responsible gun owner will say: “thanks for the facts, I’ve made my decision. Now get the fuck off my property before I blow your face off.”

Maybe I’m going too far. Maybe society would become a happy bunny rainbow tummy of sweet sugar lipped kisses and flowery poodle shoes if guns were taken away from those who would legally comply. Maybe the 2nd Amendment has outlived its usefulness. I mean, our government is more trustworthy than ever, police officers always act for the benefit of society, what do we have to lose? And while we’re at it, how about that pesky First Amendment? You can’t yell “fire” in a crowded theater, why should you be able to say mean things about people? And how about the 19th Amendment? Women are too emotional to be voting anyway. And since we’re much smarter than those oppressive white males who started this country in the first place, we can get rid of the 4th Amendment. What, do you have something to hide?

Shoot, let’s just get rid of everything! This is a new millennium! A new constitution should be drawn up! How about this:

1st Amendment: Under no circumstance shall one’s feelings be hurt by another

2nd Amendment: Guns, knives, bottles, chains, whips, clubs, tasers, pepper spray, brass knuckles, pointed sticks, automobiles, and anything else that can be used as a weapon shall be confiscated and turned over to the police, who promise to treat everyone very nicely from now on.

3rd Amendment: Government, being that stalwart protector of the common person’s interests, shall take all money that anyone earns, and dole it out however it sees fit. You might even get something back!

4th Amendment: The War on Drugs has replaced the 4th amendment. Your life is now everyone’s business. Privacy is something desired only by child molesters and Libertarians. Expect to be constantly searched, harassed, and generally made to live in fear. It can also be justified by the War on: a) Hackers b) Terrorism c) Communism d) whatever else we dream up. Do not be confused that the War on Drugs has gone on for five times longer than did the War on Poverty and that even after millions and millions of your tax dollars we still can’t keep heroin out of maximum security prisons. It all makes sense.

5th Amendment: Protestant Christianity shall become the State religion, and every other form of worship shall be considered “kooky”. This is in the face of the fact that a majority of the Founding Fathers were Deists, who believed that God made Earth and gave us reason to govern it by, and then crawled into a corner and died. This is also in the face of the fact that America was originally a haven for those with beliefs considered “kooky” in other countries. Damn the inconsistencies! Practice abstinence ’til marriage and pass the rattlesnakes!

6th Amendment: Corporate sponsorship shall permeate all aspects of life, and commerce shall be conducted by no more than 5 megacorporations which will be reported favorably upon by 2 major media outlets. Individual businesspeople shall be confined to the women’s athletic aisle in Nike Town and the fishing tackle department at Wal-Mart until they realize that resistance is futile and individual enterprise is a thing of the past.

7th Amendment: From this day forth, nothing is your fault. Blame for your stupidity, weakness, and general bad judgment will be officially assigned to various scapegoats on a random basis.

8th Amendment: Corporate sponsored drugs such as caffeine and beer shall receive humorous advertising during the Super Bowl. All other drugs shall cause life imprisonment for first time users.

9th Amendment: Everyone shall feel entitled to everything regardless of whether they work for it or not.

10th Amendment: All rights not given by the previous 9 Amendments are claimed by the State and we shall use our power to reward our friends, destroy all dissent, drop bombs on brown people in countries you don’t even know exist, and keep make expenditures to keep the population fat, stupid, apathetic, selfish, and entertained.

Ok, everyone, let’s vote on it. What? It’s unanimous!! Break out the Korbel Champagne, the Ruffles Potato Chips, and hail to the Chief! Invert the virgin! Finally, a Bill of Rights that we can all stand behind! Barbecue that dumb eagle, the official symbol will now be a drowning lamb and our flag will be redesigned by NBC (home of the award winning Frasier) and feature Mr. Monopoly being fellated by the entire cast of Friends on a field of starving farmers. U! S! A! U! S! A!

So, what kind of country does Mark Driver want to live in? Mark Driver wants to live in a Godless, taxless society where he can fire a machine gun out the window of a muscle car going 180 mph on his way to buy heroin from a hooker who also gives abortions and writes very exact tracts on how to build bombs and poison people.

He also expects that if one of his bullets shall do the least bit of damage to anyone or anything, he shall be held completely liable for his actions, that if he runs anyone over, he should be gassed in prison, that if he shoots anyone while high on heroin, he should be gassed in prison, and if he overdoses it’s his own damn fault for fucking with the H.

And whoever builds a bomb from the Hooker’s Handbook and takes lives with it gets gassed in prison, and whoever doesn’t want an abortion doesn’t have one and whoever is against prostitution writes amazing works against it and persuades people, not through fear of retribution by the State, but through logic and reason.

Driver wants people to take care of their own shit, and to be nice enough to help out someone who legitimately can’t take care of their own shit, and not waste time with people who could take care of their own shit but don’t feel like it for one reason or another.

He thinks that government, as it exists today, hinders freedom instead of offering it the protection it once promised, and that it will continue to infringe until people stop putting “get to work on time” as the #1 priority in their lives, and start seeing things like protest and dissent as dignified a national tradition as grillin’ weenies on the 4th of July.

He realizes, however, that most of this is a fucking pipe dream, that people are very far from being able to take to the pasture without being led, that most people don’t care about ideologies and issues as long as they’ve got their little slop puddle to wallow around in, and that in America 2000, he’ll experience more liberty in which brand of pizza he buys then he’ll ever experience out in the meaningful real world.

Mark Driver also wants a country where constantly referring to yourself in third person gets you gassed in prison.

Anyways, like I was saying, to sneak beer into a movie theater/hockey game, go for 22 oz bottles. If you have been drinking responsibly enough to get tanked before the picture/game begins, two should do you. Wear a good quality belt and a jacket. If it’s really hot, at least wear a long sleeve pullover. It’s important. Trust me.

Right before you get to the ticket place, slip the bottles underneath your belt in the front on either side of your stuff, right inside each of your hip bones. Great. Get your money and ID out ahead of time because your pants will now be tighter than a virgin on a polar expedition. Hunch over and hope you can get you your seat before you freeze your innards. Yes, the beer will be very, very cold against you.

Take special precautions when sitting down, or you will tear two bottlecap sized holes in your torso. Take off your jacket, cover your waist, and, through the jacket, pull the bottles out. This should be done sneakily, of course. Distract looks to your waistline by shouting with your mouth “all forms of government should be abolished!”

OK, you got them to your seat, but your worries aren’t over. You still need to drink them incognito. There are two ways to accomplish this.

1. Buy a soda or a beer at the place, chug, and then refill with your smuggled booty. This is really a wuss move, and it makes you pay $14.95 for a small drink. You totally suck if you do it this way.

2. Put your jacket in your lap. Stuff each bottle through either shoulder of your jacket, up the sleeve, so the mouth pokes right out of the cuff. Slouch and hold on your chest. Drink and enjoy the carbonated rush of being a sleazy cheapskate bum piece of shit.

When finished, just sit there and be drunk. Don’t try to leave the movie theater and get more beer. Actually, maybe you should do that. Yeah, you should totally do that. And always remember leave your dead soldiers on the ground after the entertainment to let ‘the establishment’ know how clever you are, that you outsmarted them, and that they totally suck.

Also, if attending the movie and not the hockey game, choose the flick with care. After all, if you attend a turdfest like Magnolia, not are you only wasting a good drunk, you’re gonna be pissing every 15 minutes through a four hour ordeal. Pick a macho jerk-off movie, like Fight Club or Mad Max. Chug 44 oz of Colt in the first 20 minutes, and I swear, you’ll be a part of the movie.

That’s all for now my little pinworms. My brain is misfiring. What was I talking about? Back to the book …………….