Keep America Beautiful

Keep America Beautiful

To: Miss USA®, Brook Lee

From: Central Commission of Human Beauty

Re: Your Winning Answer

Dear Miss USA®,

This is just a letter congratulating you for your recent victory. As you well know, it takes a lot of skill and hard work to become Miss USA®, and it looks like all of your hard effort has paid off. Again, accept our deepest congratulations.

Aside from sending you good wishes, we’d like to call your attention to statement you made (obviously under the stress and disorientation of a national beauty pageant) during the final round of the contest. The question asked by the ever so charming George Hamilton addressed how you would handle a potential weight gain after winning the title. Your answer to the question was that you would take a “good, hard look at myself and know that I am the same girl who won the crown that day; and it wouldn’t really matter what I look like on the outside if I am the same person on the inside.”

Granted, you received much applause from the audience, but that does not change the fact that you gave a wrong answer. This was not an Inner Beauty Contest. Our research has shown us that there are many unsightly people with `inner beauty’. Should this qualify them for Miss USA®,? We think not. We were actually quite surprised you still won, considering your answer, but we guess the judges assumed you were mentally incapable of actually gaining weight in the next year.

This question was an obvious reference to Miss Universe Alicia Machado, who, after maliciously deceiving the judges into giving her a victory, began a campaign to stain the untarnished reputation of international beauty contests by gaining weight. We’re not talking a few ounces here and there, we are talking pounds. Our spies last reported that Miss Universe was approaching NORMAL WOMAN STATUS! Imagine! That Villain from Venezuela should be decrowned and dragged through the streets by flaming hogs. She has set the Beauty Movement back to the 60’s.

The Central Commission of Human Beauty, with the help of many of its clients, has been working carefully for decades to craft the popular image of the ideal woman. Science tells us healthy is 5′ 4″ and 130 pounds. We say healthy is 5′ 9″ and 105 pounds. Science says 34 B, we say either 32A or 38D. Critics say `sickly’, we say `waifish’. Of course that body type is impossible for 98% of the female population to obtain without starvation and surgery, but we need to keep them striving.

You see, Ms. Lee, it’s this quest for perfection that keeps American Women great. Oh sure, we’ve created a nation of binge-eating anorexics, but unhappiness sells product. Slim-fast, Abs Rollers, Diet Pills, Starvation Diets (followed by hospital stays), health clubs, plastic surgery, the list of recipients goes on. Even the junk food industry benefits from self-destructive eating habits. An entire industry has been built on peoples’ unhappiness with their own bodies, and we’re sure you wouldn’t want to put those poor people out of work.

Ms. Lee, the second that women, and men for that matter, stop focusing and obsessing on their own bodies, is when the fragile consumer structure will fall. After all, you can’t save the world with a fat butt. We have the magazines, the television networks, the record industry, and even the Internet behind us. Business relies on unhappiness, Ms. Lee, and we hope you can help us to continue manufacturing this unhappiness by keeping that slim, trim, healthy figure as an ideal for little girls to dream for.

Good luck keeping off the weight. If we can be of any assistance, let us know. Til then, we’ll be keeping an eye on you.

Congratulations again,

Michael Hore

Media Coordinator
Central Commission of Human Beauty