My New Year’s Resolutions

My New Year’s Resolutions

OK, since people keep asking me, I’m making a list of all my resolutions. Like everyone else in the world, I am very concerned with my personal growth and my evolution into the perfect human being, and like everyone else, I am going to keep my resolutions all year long.

My Resolutions

1. Gain 50 Pounds – I want to start being a bit more forceful with my viewpoints in public, which means I’ll probably need to be somewhat physically threatening to not get my ass kicked. I know I’ll never work out and get muscles, and I can’t afford steroids, so I’m just gonna get fat.

2. Do More Drugs – I think my generation is failing to meet the example set forth by the baby boomers, i.e. lots of heavy drug use. In talking to the older generation, I realized that I still have a lot more speed, coke, acid, and prescription drugs that I need to abuse, and I want an excuse to try PCP again (remind me to tell you about the first and only time I did that shit, and how I paid to get my broken hand fixed).

3. Start Smoking – I want to start smoking. I don’t do it now, but I want to get up to 2 packs a day. I’ll do it for a full year, and then piss off all my smoker friends by quitting cold turkey as my resolution next year.

4. Drink More For Breakfast – I think one of the funniest things I ever saw in a movie was one that had two scumbags hanging out around 9 am in a shitty little apartment. The first guy goes “You wanna drink?” The second guy goes “Nah, I don’t like to drink before noon. Just give me a beer.” Tequila Sunrise please.

5. Stop Giving To The Needy – If I’m going to follow resolution #2, I’ll need more money, and the best way to do that is to cut unnecessary expenditures, like helping to feed the hungry. Drug dealers need compassion too.

6. Get Someone Pregnant – With all the radioactive and poisonous crap in the environment (especially in this dump of a city), I’ll probably be sterile by the time I want to have some rugrats to smack around; I might as well get someone pregnant now. I don’t really want to raise the brat, just know that I have one around somewhere. Anyone will do as the mother, just as long as it isn’t my girlfriend.

7. Screw Over More People To Make More Money – To my co-workers: This is the Year of Driver. Your jobs will be eliminated as I crush you on my way up. Your friendship, starting on the 1st, will mean little to me as I claw, whine, and sleep my way to the top. Your self respect and integrity will only shoot me higher, faster. Look out you naive bastards!

8. Sue Someone – I always hear about this “litigious society”. I see people get 9 million dollar settlements because they’re too stupid to know that hot coffee will hurt if dumped into the lap. I want a piece of the action! Class action! Sign me up! Breast implants, plane crashes, toxic exposures, it doesn’t matter. I WANT JUSTICE AND I WANT IT NOW!

9. Sleep More – I’m so pathetic these days, I can’t even sleep past noon! I’ve even made it to work on time a couple days this year. Disgusting. Back in college I could sleep until 5pm. To train, I will stay up drinking every night until I can reach at least the 4pm mark.

10. Find God – With all this new evil stuff, I’ll need to soothe that last scrap of conscience left in the back of my head. What better way to make myself feel good than to stop taking responsibility for my actions, and pray for forgiveness every week. I’m checking the Yellow Pages for a church right now.

But like the rest of you, I’ll probably get to about January 5th, completely forget all of these, and keep on being the lowly piece of human filth I am now. Do you remember your resolutions from last year? They’re probably the same as this year, but instead of needing to lose 10 pounds, you now need to lose 20. You’re not going to exercise. You’re not going to get healthy. You’re falling apart. Embrace it.