The Second Coming of Christ
The Second Coming of Christ
Sometime last week – Jesus came to Earth with very few of the special effects that a movie might proscribe to the Second Coming of Christ. He just sort of appeared on a street corner in a small town in the Bible Belt of America. No one really noticed Him, as He wasn’t wearing anything too different from the other people on the street. He still had really long hair and a nicely groomed beard; except for the lack of robes, He looked exactly like the millions of black velvet paintings manufactured in His honor. He thought it was strange that no one recognized Him. He began walking down the street, hoping to find someone to talk to.
Jesus recognized the first man that He stopped. The man’s name was William. William went to church every Sunday, and was dressed in a nice suit, a suit representative of a man with a high financial station. William cheated on his beloved wife about once a month, and would promptly go to confession afterwards to beg forgiveness of God. William didn’t know it, but God was getting a little impatient with him.
“William,” Jesus said, ” I am Jesus come to Earth again. The world has lost its way and –”
“Outta my way you long haired freak,” William said as he shoved past Jesus, nearly knocking Him over in the process. William continued walking as if nothing had happened. Jesus was a bit taken back. “Surely, he just did not recognize me.”
Jesus continued down the sidewalk, a little shaken, but determined to walk with His children.
The next person Jesus stopped was a woman named Martha, whom He figured, although she seemed to be in a hurry, would stop for Him.
“Martha”, Jesus said, “I am Jesus come to Earth again. The world has lost its way and –”
“Sorry, have we met? I don’t recognize you. Listen, I’m in a hurry. I’m on my way to protest an abortion clinic up in the big city.”
Jesus looked at the bulging bag that Martha was carrying.
“What’s in the bag Martha?” Jesus asked. He knew full well what was in the bag.
“Oh this?” Martha suddenly looked a little nervous. She looked over her shoulder to make sure no one was watching. She leaned close to Jesus and whispered. “We’re gonna blow that clinic sky high. Praise God.” Before He could talk some sense into her, she was gone and on a bus headed for the big city. Jesus shook His head.
Jesus wandered through the crowds trying to strike up conversations. No one seemed too interested in what He had to say. A few people recognized Him, but instead of praising Him like He expected, they yelled at Him for failing them. One man named Brad was quite upset with Jesus.
“Do you know how hard I prayed for that fucking job? I prayed for 3 days straight. 3 fucking days of my life totally wasted! I’m a Muslim now. I hope you’re happy.”
Jesus wasn’t very used to being sworn at (except for the billions of people who took His name in vain daily, He was used to that), and He didn’t like it too much. He continued his search for a person to talk to.
Jesus was stopped by Pearl outside of the grocery store, Pearl was handing out pamphlets.
“Hello Pearl,” Jesus was getting quite tired by this point. “I am Jesus – ”
“Hello Sir. I am from the Respectable Christian Values Organization and we are leading a boycott against the Snidely Corporation. Snidely is supporting homosexuality though internal policies such as medical benefits for homosexual couples, and is very sympathetic to homosexual causes.”
“What’s wrong with sympathy, Pearl, and why aren’t you using God’s love to help people?”
“Sodomites are an abomination against God. They deserve no compassion if they knowingly continue in their path away from righteousness.”
“But are not they still God’s children, Pearl?” Jesus put on His most compassionate face.
“What are you,” Pearl asked, “a fruitcake or something?” She then turned away from Jesus and began passing out more pamphlets.
Jesus was tired. All these terrible things done in the name of His Father. Where had He gone wrong? Jesus found a place to sit against a wall. He was not there for five minutes before a terrible smelling bum named Walt shambled over and sat next to Him.
“Howdy Jesus,” Walt said. “Long time no see. What’s wrong?”
“These people, they make me sad. All my teachings of so long ago have been twisted to suit the prejudices and fears of those who claim to follow the path of light.”
“Tell me about it,” Walt said “I deal with these jerks every day. Heck, I even mention the words `Jesus Christ’ to these so-called believers, and they want to lock me up for being a lunatic, like they can’t share their religion with a bum. Hey Jesus, are you gonna be around for a while? I got some friends who would love to meet you.”
“I don’t know, I’ve had enough of Earth for a while.”
“C’mon, they all need some healing,
“All right, I’ll come.”
“And that water to wine trick might come in handy.”
“Don’t push it Walt.”
And so went Jesus’s Second Coming on Earth. He noticed that people were spending so much time preparing the world for Him, they didn’t even recognize Him when He came. It seems strange, thought Jesus, because everyone in the town proclaimed Him to be their life and savior. “You could’ve fooled me,” Jesus mumbled as he went back to Heaven, considering a plan to colonize Neptune.