How To Annoy People On Airplanes

How To Annoy People On Airplanes

I hate flying. I have been flying at least twice a month for the past year and a half, and I still haven’t gotten used to it. It’s not really fear that I feel on a plane, it’s anger. Some of the most stressful times in my life have been induced by the airlines (missed connections, lost cherished possessions, nights spent at the airport, getting stuck in Cincinnati for 3 days, etc.), and I’m on guard the second I enter the plane, waiting to see what cruel curve ball the traveling gods are going to throw me.

Tons of flying has also armed me with the most annoying habits of the legions of swine who call themselves “passengers”. More than that, constant flying has given me the will to use these annoying weapons against their creators. Being annoying really passes the time, and you have a captive audience.

Always get the window seat. Not so you can see the disgusting urban sprawl of mini malls on the ground below, but so you can position yourself in a location where you can do the most damage. Sit by the window even if it isn’t your seat. Argue, argue, argue, and you might get the person to accept the aisle seat, or, the cursed middle seat.

Once you have sequestered the window seat, get incredibly drunk. Not on those shitty $3 airplane beers, but on the 40oz of Mickeys you thoughtfully packed in your oversized carry-on earlier. Not only will this make you more belligerent , it will make you have to pee at least 7 times an hour, disrupting the jackasses sitting next to you as you “accidentally” kick them and step on their carry-ons.

Flying the red-eye provides fertile annoying grounds because a) people are tired; b) people are trying to sleep; and c) people that will lose a good night’s sleep to save 20 bucks are generally on edge. ALWAYS keep your light on, even if you’re trying to sleep. This is especially cool when a movie is being shown, or if the person next to you is trying to sleep. If you do fall asleep and your light is off, wake up the person next to you and ask “Did you shut that off?” Turn it back on.

If you slam your back against your seat really hard, the tray table on the seat behind you will fall into the lap of the idiot behind you. Aim your air blower at the head of the jerk in front of you, refuse to shut it off. If the person next to you tries to start up a conversation, tell them “Sorry, I don’t talk to silly looking people,” or conversely, if the person next to you is deep in thought, reading a book, or going over last month’s finance reports, talk to them constantly. Ask extremely personal questions, like “How’s your health?” and “Would you suck the stewardesses’ toes if she let you?”

In conclusion, let me say there are many ways to ruin people’s flights. After learning these basics, feel free to improvise with smells and sounds galore. But please leave the flight staff alone. They have to deal with enough assholes as it is.