How To Review The Crash Site

With the number of complete fucks attempting to review our site, I thought I might make it a little easier for them to do the job, so they can squeeze in a few more double non-fat lattes before theater class or, conversely, choke down a few alternative colas before settling down to a Quake server for the next few days. After all, analytical skills aren’t important when you’ve seen it all before.

  1. Mention “Generation X” at least twice. If you write for a more “hip” publication, you should type it as “Gen X”. No one here really fits that demographic, unless, as it’s current usage suggests, Generation X is someone under the age of 30, computer savvy, and still capable of getting a date. (Note: this excludes most critics as members of Generation X)
  2. Assume the entire team is male. With such strong, aggressive imagery and content, assure yourself that there is NO WAY that females actively contribute artwork, writing, design, or ideas. There are, after all, EXPOSED BREASTS on this site.
  3. At this point, take one of two directions:
    Direction A: Crash Site is staffed by white middle class suburban college educated kids who are angry at the world.

    Pros:

    • Easy to discredit site
    • Explains “immature” viewpoints
    • Makes article easier to write
    • Makes critic not appear as white middle class suburban college educated kid (which, as we all know, discredits any valid viewpoints or ideas)
    Cons:

    • Reliance on generalized stereotype
    • Wrong (but that shouldn’t stop you)
    Direction B: The Crash Site attempts to be the most hardcore underground site on the net, but fails miserably because they don’t mention my favorite band.

    Pros:

    • Lets critic keep cool self image
    • Makes it easier to talk about uncool parts of Crash Site
    • Dispels uncomfortable notion that anyone is actually “into” anything harsh for reasons other than “shock value”
    Cons:

    • Quite a limb to go out on if “cool” people dig it
    • Dead cat delivered to magazine headquarters
  4. Cite examples that support your flimsy, piece of shit thesis, and ignore others that don’t. If there isn’t enough evidence to back you, MAKE STUFF UP! It’s not like people will check up on you. If they can’t find it, they’ll just assume they’re stupid. Recently, a review of the Crash Site accused us of holding up House of Pain and the Beastie Boys as our ideas of hardcore rap (Never mind rap isn’t mentioned anywhere on these pages and that none of us even listen to rap). See what I mean. Make shit up!
  5. Graphics: Mention how nice they are, usually as a concession in the last paragraph, but make sure you tell everyone how long they take to download (not that you’ll have that problem at your overpaid Internet job where you share a T10 with the service provider down the hall).
  6. If at all possible, use company moles to find obscure prototype addresses that haven’t been used in months and print them as if they were the correct one. Something like www.crsh%6site88.com/~rifle/jameshuberty/8!!!!89crs6.htm would do well.
  7. This is the most important step. In the last two sentences of your review, admit the reason you hate the Crash Site is because you don’t agree with it and find it somewhat discomforting. While this is somewhat of a cop out, it is a normal emotional admission that is necessary for mental comfort. Trust us.

Hopefully, this will make things a bit easier for the leeches of the world. You can be terrible at what you do, as long as you’re consistent. Consistently awful. It’s what makes America work.