Crucify All Celebrities

Crucify All Celebrities

I don’t know what’s more pathetic, celebrities, or people who want to know about them. We don’t even know these people yet they are part of our lives, staring at us through airbrushed eyes at the checkout counter, invading news reports with stories of their “struggles”, sheepishly smiling on commercials touting their latest product (be it a movie or a garden weasel), charmingly answering questions on cheezy interviews, making the scene at popular events, blah, blah, blah, blah. We know their problems, about their families, about their favorite beers, and anything else their image consultants provide to the media. We consider them almost friends if we like them, and enemies if we hate them. All this, and we have never even met them. They don’t even know we exist.

Take someone like Tom Cruise, who I am sure was human at one point (Risky Business era). What does he do? He acts. How much does he make? Let me put it this way. He charges so much an hour, that movie companies pay to helicopter him in, and then get him off the lot as soon as possible. Michael Jackson, fucking emaciated, androgynous, child molesting plastic surgery disaster still sells out shows in 15 minutes. Madonna, from Jersey milk maid to sex goddess in 10 years. She could shit on a shingle and sell a million copies. Add in a few pro athletes who could sell botulism cultures if they endorsed them, and you have a framework for us all to live more complete existence, vicariously experiencing life through the eyes of those who have “made it”.

If the free market system really works, one would assume that these people are the most valuable members of society. Michael Jordan signs to the Bulls for an amount of money that rivals the GDP of Italy to throw a piece of rubber through a metal hoop. Demi Moore shows her mammary glands to the world for enough money to feed the poor of Los Angeles for a year. Meanwhile the teachers, blue collar workers, and editors of bargain basement internet magazines scrape by, checking out the latest celebrity scandal in the checkout line while wondering if there’s enough money to buy that extra bag of beans. However much it would please me to see all these money sucking leeches die terrible deaths at the hands of angry mobs, it would be irresponsible for me to incite violence against anyone, even if it would better society for the next hundred years. I say boycott celebrity personalities. Don’t see their movies. Stop caring about their “hardships” and care about the people you know (“No one has any tolerance for your problems, unless you know how to entertain” – Milk Cult). Don’t get any magazine with a celebrity on the cover. As disgusting as they are, public personalities get big because we let them. Cock the hammer.