Activism: A Step By Step Guide To Feeling Good

Activism: A Step By Step Guide To Feeling Good

Are you feeling down and out? Does a lack of direction in your life keep you from realizing happiness? Why not find a cause? Millions of your peers worldwide have realized true bliss through finding an all encompassing ideology, and then bothering others with it.

Step 1: Finding A Cause

First of all, make sure you choose something that has as little to do with your day to day life as possible. I can remember my friends and I stepping over the bodies of the homeless to attend our Save The Rainforest meetings. Also, to ensure that you never really have to do anything, choose a broad concept to support, as opposed to something gross and specific like working at a food kitchen. (Note: if you HAVE to work in a food kitchen, make sure the food you serve is moral, we all know how much the homeless love vegan cuisine.)

Step 2: Dressing the Role

This part may be somewhat tricky, as it will make you look into your new ideology at a level somewhat deeper than the one taken by the pamphlets you will hand out. Put a bumper sticker on your car so that you can convert everyone on the highway that sees you. Note the dress of your fellow warriors, you should emulate them as close as possible. Failure to do so may make you "soft" on your issue. Besides, you were probably a loser in your old personality. A little style would do you good.

Step 3: Making Your Case

The most important part of making your case is as follows: Use language that makes you feel good, not language that convinces the unbeliever. This is for you, after all, not for them. For example: Vegetarianism. Stay away from logical reasoning. Why mention bacterial infections, antibiotic residue, hormone injections, heart attacks, cholesterol, and colon cancer? Instead, use language like "The wide-eyed baby cow is ripped from its mother's side and forced into a pen, unable to frolic in the warm sunlight ever again." and "the neo-Nazi meat industry slaughters millions of innocent chickens for no crime other than seeming delicious to the morally bankrupt, meat addicted Western world." Remember, this is to make you feel superior. You're not really trying to accomplish anything.

Step 4: Dealing With the Enemy

Your cause is the most important thing in the world. Why else would you dedicate yourself to it? So, logically, anyone who doesn't a) agree with you; b) consider your cause the most important thing in the world; c) know about your cause IS THE ENEMY. The enemy is to be pitied for their ignorance and hated for their stupidity. To be presented with the same facts you have been presented with and NOT draw the same conclusion means one thing: there is something wrong with them; tell them this, often. Remember, it isn't about convincing others, or even helping your cause. It's about you feeling good about yourself.

Step 5: Growing Out of Your Cause

As your life progresses, you might find less time to dedicate to your cause. Things might not seem as important any more. This is normal. It just means you've found other things to fill that hole in your life. Relax, it's no big deal, because you never really cared about your cause. In fact you might feel a bit stupid at this point. Don't get embarrassed, get jaded! Ridicule the people currently involved in causes. Don't they know they're just wasting their time? They'll grow out of it too, just like you did. In fact, they're kinda funny, those naive, dumb kids, and those silly adults who should know better. This is your new superior angle; all the support with none of the guilt, and you get to win, every time.